I have always had a habit of getting a head of myself, even when I was a kid. I would rush into things without knowing what I was doing and I would always be disappointed with the outcome due to my high expectations.
I feel like blogging is one of those things that I’m getting ahead of myself in. I always seem to forget about my current situation and think about everything I could do if I could just buy this or go here or accomplish this. I have so many ideas for DIY’s, beauty blogs and travelling blogs and yet I can’t sew, I have never travelled on my own and how can I teach anyone anything about beauty, I am still trying to teach myself to contour.
I just find I always have really high expectations of myself to be able to do things that I won’t be able to do. For example I thought I was going to be a naturally good driver when I first got my L’s. After about an hour of driving around in circles (still barely able to use the indicators) my dad thought it would be a great idea to go out onto the road. I almost ran into a parked car and ended up pulling over in the middle of the street and I started crying.
I didn’t get behind the wheel for about three months after that happened, I still barely get behind it now. I hate driving, it makes me anxious. I’m not trying to be like “OMG poor me, I can’t drive because it makes me anxious and nervous because I almost got into a car accident that was my fault!!!”. No, I am just giving an example of how hard I can be on myself sometimes.
Every time I get into a car all I can think is that I’m going to have to harden up and just start driving again. I never really feel like I’m missing out by not having my licence and I don’t really feel an urgent need to get it, I know I will have to sooner or later. The thing that pisses me off though is that I have one friend I opened up to about this and now it’s like she tries to rub it in my face that she has her P’s when I can barely handle sitting behind a car wheel.
Sorry I really don’t even know what this blog is about, I’m just a little stressed about this and a lot of other things. There was a letter in the mail for me today on applications to University and I guess it just kind of set off a chain reaction in my mind of all the things I fail at. Seriously life, I don’t want to adult, just leave me alone!
I try really hard to make sure that when I wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night, that I am happy with my day and with my life. If I am having a day where I think to myself, “I would not want to relive this day” then I make sure that I don’t have a bad day like that again. I know you are going to have bad day and good days but I try hard to make sure that by the end of each year I can look back and be happy with my life and at the moment, with everything that’s going on, it’s becoming hard to do.
I guess I was kind of hiding it from you guys because I didn’t want my blog to become a place where I just spread all my negative thoughts and emotions but I think it’s important for everyone to know that it’s totally normal to have bad days and feel like shit. Also it’s okay to just want to sleep in bed for a week straight and not see anyone and it’s normal to worry about the way you look and be self conscious when you see people looking at you.
So to conclude this post, I have a serious fear of the future, failure and driving and I am yet again finding myself in a position where I am just not really enjoying my life. Adding to all the thoughts that are suffocating my mind, I still have no idea what the “theme” of this blog is, it’s basically becoming a physical version of every thought I have.
It’s night time, I’m tired and I just finished a week of two and a half to three hour, back to back exams (probs failed half of them tbh). Thanks for reading my umm… blog post? I put up new blog posts every Friday and I promise next weeks post will be a bit more of a normal blog post.
Lil out xx